Quest For Happiness

The Declaration of Independence affirms that I may pursue happiness as an inherent right from God. As a mom, I want happiness, but why does it seem so hard to achieve? 

Happiness is ambiguous. Those who are religious link happiness to virtuosity, devotion to God, or being enlightened. For some happiness is a sense of contentment, inner peace, and deep satisfaction in their relationships, accomplishments, and surroundings. Still, for others, happiness is the pleasure they get from their career, hobbies, travels, and people they engage with. These variances are pure differences in emphasis. Many would agree that each view apprehends the essence of happiness. But which emphasis is best?

One of my favorite authors is Aristotle. He said, “Happiness is the highest good,” and to be happy it means you are striving to be virtuous, he continued. According to Aristotle, you achieve the “highest good” or happiness by practicing being a virtuous person. He warned, however, if you continued to practice old habits, you would destroy virtue. What did he mean by that? He referred to what is now known as the golden mean; more on that later.

As a young mom, I had high expectations for well-mannered children and when they weren’t, it annoyed me. Often I resorted to being a victim. I lost patience and wound up frustrated, angry, and sometimes yelled at them. I hated how I felt and none of us were happy. 

Why did I fail? Why weren’t my children obeying me and wanting to have good manners? Didn’t they know they would be happier if they were obedient and well-mannered? If they were, then we’d all be happier, right? I would think to myself, “I was the adult and the mature one, they needed only to follow my lead and be mature, true?”

But, how did I lead them? I wanted to be patient and kind. And yet, I led them with neither patience nor kindness. My original focus was for them to be well-mannered, not me. I led them with my old habits of expecting too much, showing annoyance when they didn’t conform, and then scolding them.

When I realized I needed to change, and not them, I found the path to happiness Aristotle taught me. 

Happiness is a choice

Aristotle said happiness is synonymous with virtue. He said, “Happiness is an activity of soul in accordance with perfect virtue.” Activity of the soul means to work on and master good habits. So, If I were to become patient, I’d have to practice being patient. And the same is true with all other virtues. If I were to be kind, or honest, or organized, I had to practice being kind, honest, and organized.

My journey toward the “highest good" began. I placed little reminder notes all over my house and told my children I would start practicing the virtues. I frequently read Nicomachean Ethics and other inspiring books such as Benjamin Franklin’s Autobiography. His list of thirteen virtues hung on my bathroom mirror to remind me each day what I was practicing. 

Aristotle also warned the difficulty in acting in virtue. Often I would forget and resort to old habits. My heart would drop and I would remember that I had to replace those old habits with a practice of the virtues. 

Sometimes, in the middle of my fit of temper, I would remember, change my demeanor and apologize. The one positive thing with the sudden apology was that my children were learning how to change direction in their own situations and practice the virtues. Children mirror our actions. 

I soon found that happiness was based more on me than on them. We would all be happy through my patience and kindness because my children had someone who listened to them and cared for their emotional needs.

The Golden Mean

I promised to tell you about the golden mean.  You’ve heard the maxim, “Moderation in all things.” It stems from the golden mean. Aristotle explained that a virtue “is a mean between two vices, that which depends on excess and that which depends on defect” He meant that each virtue is the midpoint of two extremes. One extreme of the virtue is the unbridled excess of it, and the other extreme is the lack of it, or its deficiency. 

For instance, someone who eats too much will harm their health and another who eats too little will waste away. While food is necessary to life, if one has too much or too little they will harm their health. If they have the right amount their body will be strong and healthy. 

In a similar way, if one has too much or too little of the virtues, they will harm their soul, while if they achieve the perfect amount, their virtue will be strengthened. 

Remember my anger toward my children and the virtue I needed to replace it with? That virtue was patience.  Too little patience resulted in irascibility. On the other hand, trying to overdo the patience resulted in my children stepping all over me. The midpoint of the virtue is neither the excess nor the deficiency of it, but is true patience which inspires joy and happiness.

Aristotle’s golden mean works because it follows the natural laws. Ultimate happiness lies at the midpoint of each virtue. And the only person I can influence is me. As each of us moves toward the midpoint of the virtues, we finally find true happiness.